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Trust and the Trust Game

Do you put your toe into the water? Or do you jump in headfirst?

Trust is an essential part of any relationship, and even more significant when it comes to relationships that have been full of deceit and betrayal. When you enter into any relationship you are at some level handing over some level of trust to the other person(s) involved.

Control plays a role when dealing with trust. Often times I hear stories of people that do not want to trust the person, rather I see them wanting to control the person.

Trust is really earned. We all have histories and these experiences do play a key component in how we see trust. You cannot demand or manipulate someone to trust you or fully commit to believing you. Trust is a practice of patience and continuously showing your partner(s) that you are consistent.

To be trusted you must be trustworthy. The individual that has been deceitful and lying their entire life, hiding secrets…. Please sit for a minute and consider a simple scenario… Next time you get your car fixed, you go in and they tell you the price and what it will take to fix it and even go as far as saying this is when it will be done. You have no reason not to believe them, you follow their advice and show back up… Only to see -- not only is the car not fixed, you have to pay for it. Would you ever go back? Do you trust them? How do you now perceive people that fix cars? The point of this story is… reliability and integrity. When you live consumed with lies, these lies perpetuate until there is absolutely no integrity. You become full of empty gestures.

Enjoy the trust that you have with your partner. Directly ask your partner the million-dollar question. Do you trust me? What do you trust? Trust is extremely hard to earn back. And if you feel like you lost trust, ask your partner(s) and be open to being vulnerable to what they have to say.

This information can start to sound like common sense; however, common sense often times is not followed when your lies are deep and dark.

Trust is really important. If you feel like your partner(s) are lying and you don’t trust them, or you are the one holding back something it is vital to get to the bottom of it. The importance of having a safe place to share your concern is even more important. Most importantly follow your intuition. If you feel something is not right, it is helpful not to run away from that feeling but to talk about it within your relationship.

Dr. Ryan is a coach and sex therapist that works with clients struggling with pornography addiction, sex addiction and communication concerns within relationships. Please contact him at or calling him at 952-261-5269 for a complementary 30-minute consultation.

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