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Desire Discrepancy: Fact or Fiction?

We can all imagine, you and your partner are 3 months into a new relationship, and in your head you’re thinking, “finally” I have found someone that meets my sexual needs, sexual desires, and overall you are happy with everything. There is no awkward rejection, no making up random sicknesses prescribed by Dr. Google to avoid sex. Or the worse case scenario, sex just falls off into the dark abyss lost in a black hole right next to Facebook hypnosis, TV and the rest of the things killing relationships. Sorry, I get side tracked. How many people have been there?

Recently a wonderful couple was sitting in my office with this very dilemma, they asked, “Ryan what should we do?” One said, I need more sex; I could have sex everyday, maybe even 2 twice a day. The other person said the exact opposite. It’s not that I don’t love them; I just don’t want to have sex. If I had it once a week maybe even once a month I would be fine. There are many problems just like this we all are facing, it might not be the amount of sex, it might be the way we are doing it, or even the desires we are longing for… However this issue arises, notice I did not share the couple’s gender. That is because it’s not important and frankly it’s the number one myth: Male’s want sex all day long and women simply want to… umm well not have sex all day long??

I am writing this to shed light on the fact and fiction around desire discrepancies. I am writing this to share brief insights and helpful ideas to rekindle and spark a new look at your desires, yet ultimately my biggest goal is to help you become the authentic person you want to be. This is a simple fragment of the facts and fiction around desire discrepancies.

Fact or Fiction

When one person wants more sex then the other the simple answer is compromise!

There is an argument for that… A person could say “As long as I meet the needs of my partner I am making them happy and in turn I will be happy.” It is said that when you fully accept your desires and are able to communicate them you are going to feel free. I see those statements as potential pitfalls. Are you really happy meeting someone’s needs your not feeling safe with or validated by? See if your life is full of concession you are really either censoring yourself or putting yourself in a situation you don’t feel valued because the other person is getting the pleasure or so they think.

A simple answer to getting away of consistently settling in compromise would be to ask yourself first: What is it that you want? Maybe you really think you don’t want to have sex everyday of the week or even 3 times a week. But it’s really not the quantity of sex it’s the quality. You come to realize, there is no foreplay, it’s one-sided you’ve never been able to voice your desires.

I’m a pervert because I want to explore the kinky side of sex.

A common question I hear in the office is around sexual desire, kink and things that one individual is longs for. A persons craving for a sexual act brings worry, a fear of connecting with a desire brings shame, or simply learning to accept ones internal sexual desires can all play a part in both worry and shame. It’s important to remember how many of us learned about sex and specifically learned about relationship.

The answer, be gentle with yourself and with your fantasies. I encourage you to remember not all fantasies need to be acted out and not all fantasies need to be shared. However, I do encourage the value of open exploration with learning where you think they come from and why you are interested in that particular desire. Remember a great question to ask yourself could be: What is my motive? Why am I interested in this? All these questions can help you better understand you. Which is the most important thing.

The previous two ideas are just a scratching of the surface of desire discrepancies, it’s important to remind yourself that in any event of a discrepancy you need to use your voice, share your concerns and be open and honest. Many desires can not be met, they may be too much for an individual to handle if that is the case, not all is lost. I professionally think that is a great opportunity to dig deeper and learn more about yourself and your partner. There are many times when we limit ourselves and don’t think our partner can hear it. Give it a chance. Open up.

Ryan is a Doctor in Sex Therapy in the Minneapolis area. He strives to give space and opportunity to explore, communicate and learn about sexuality in a non-judging safe environment. You can connect Ryan at or 952-261-5269.

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