So often times in sessions couples start talking about sexual intimacy issues or concerns. More cases than not we gravitate towards the foreplay, preparation, communication patterns and the sexual act itself when looking for the potential problem. I then shift the conversation and ask -- what happens after sex?
What happens after!?!? He goes to sleep, she goes to the shower, What are you talking about?
The AFTER PLAY AND THE AFTER GLOW
The After Glow is all the intimacy, love, communication and tenderness that are often quickly forgotten. And most importantly I think one of the fundamental dimensions were satisfaction lies.
The core understanding is that satisfaction is much more than orgasm. There are sexual encounters where one partner was orgasmic but unsatisfied while the other felt satisfied and thought they were “bonded” even though there was no energy connecting to each other.
Ok, I’m sorry I just dropped into the clinical psychologist.
Let me get back to the sexipert. I offer you 3 sex -positive ways to reassure the after glow of connecting with your partner.
After Play Reinforces Attachment.
This is a meaningful way of connecting and building a confirmation there is connection that is deeper than the physical act. The most common After Play scenario is a kiss, hug and cuddle. That is fine… but it may become a stale routine. Challenge yourself to develop ways to reinforce your partner differently.
Use your body.
Use your words.
Use all your senses.
Partners who develop flexible After Play are more emotionally bonded.
The After Glow from the After Play is developed because of a deep emotional connection with your partner. The formula can be quite simple. When both partners drop the protective defenses they are used to, they become more flexible with their partners “after wants”.
So, what does this look like? The best start is to not rush away. Emotionally intelligent couples not only listen to what the other person does, a deeply emotionally connected person continues to draw on what the other wants. There by establishing a stronger desire and attachment.
Don't Go Away
Whatever you do, don't go away from your partner. Remember that rollercoaster, it starts slow and then after the intensity of the ride it gently comes to a slow stop. Consider the same idea when you are under the sheets with your lover. Don't rush it. It can always get to a beautifully drawn bath after cuddling for awhile.
Next time you find yourself falling into your After Play, stop for a moment and remember what your partner wants and likes to do. Getting out of your comfort zone is a fantastic way to fall into a beautiful After Glow within your After Play.
Dr. Ryan Westrum is a sex positive therapist that continues to encourage healthy conversations around individual and couples intimacy. To contact Dr. Ryan email him at firstname.lastname@example.org or call him at 952-261-5269.