top of page

Sexual Intimacy: Discovering Desire

Discovering Desire

I am a solution focused sex and relationship expert, and often times I am simply someone that wants to help couples find their spark! Today we live in a hectic culture that puts taking the right photo of the experience above living the experience. Sex and desire are no different. I am going to introduce simple ways to start the exploration of establishing and or getting desire back into your relationship. The following are excerpts from my forthcoming workbook: Sexual Intimacy: A Discovery of Sexual Desire. ©

Do you feel like there isn’t enough time in the day for loving your partner?


Are you and your partner on different planets when it comes to sex?

The following is going to help you start to build the desire map you need with your partner.

Exploring desire together! The Desire documents you create are designed for you to explore and surrender to your wants, needs and rekindling what is rightfully yours! A passionate relationship that is yours to create and own!

Ok, Now I invite you to email me and request a Sexual Intimacy Workbook, or pull out a journal-- but make it solely devoted to your relationship.

Exercise 1 First, I want you to meditate about one of your favorite sexual memories with your partner. What, specifically, made that experience so great? Use all your five senses. Try to write down as many details as you can. Seriously, take your time with this step, reflecting and putting yourself in that space.

Exercise 2 Next; I want you to focus in specifically on your emotions. How did that one experience make you feel? What was it like to be in that experience?

Did you feel like the whole world melted away, and you and your partner were the only people that existed? Was your heart so full of love that you thought it was going to burst? Did you feel confident? Alive? Vulnerable? Sexy? Ecstatic? Playful? Tender?

Again, take your time. Write down as many notes as you can.

Exercise 3 Now, think about how you’ve been feeling lately. What specific emotions or experiences have been coming up for you as you and your partner wrestle with your sex life?

Do you feel distant from your partner? Do you feel more like roommates than lovers? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel concerned? Do you miss your partner?

Exercise 4 I enjoy playing “make-believe” now visualize that I sprinkle a magic dust over you and I could guarantee you that your partner would understand you, would be compassionate, and wouldn’t judge you. Basically, they would have the perfect reaction to whatever you shared with them.

If you could be reassured that this would be the case, what would you want to tell your partner? What would you want to share with them? What would be the first thing you noticed when you woke up? Was there less anxiety? Did you feel happy?

Exercise 5 Take a look at your entire journal and pick the things that stand out the most. It will be scary, nerve racking, maybe even comforting. What emotions or experiences feel strongest? What brings tears to your eyes, or creates a lump in the back of your throat? Are you more relaxed or nervous?

Exercise 6 Now I want you to take a few minutes to think about the ideal response that your partner would respond to you. Would they “write it off” or “take it personal”. May they would “be open” or “embrace it” and want to do this on their own too! What would you want them to say or do?

OK, now let’s put this all together!

Here’s what you can do next!

  • Tell your partner that you want to talk about something important to you.

  • Using the exercises I shared with you. Talk about what it feels like when the two of you are sexually connected - and when you’re disconnected. (If you are unsure of talking about this topic with them by yourself.) Invite them to a therapy session with me. Often times my environment helps focus the conversation on you two in a safe manner!

Their reaction will be important to you and absolutely give you a chance to discover more about them. It is significant to have a safe environment to have this conversation. As I mentioned being a solution focused relationship expert the most important part of my job is giving a safe environment to explore your sex life.

Dr. Ryan Westrum is a sex positive relationship expert that focuses on helping align couples desires and wants with each other. For a complementary consultation and information on how to get a copy of the workbook Sexual Intimacy: A Discovery of Sexual Desire. © Please email Ryan at or call him at 952-261-5269.

Featured Posts
Recent Posts
Search By Tags
Follow Us
  • Facebook Basic Square
  • Twitter Basic Square
  • Google+ Basic Square
bottom of page