One of the most common concerns that I hear in my office is…. “Is my sex drive or (lack of sex drive) normal?”. Very often I also hear, “Is my interest in this or that normal?”.
What People Tell Me They Want…
What do most men and women say they want from sex?
Many people share a broad range of things: orgasm, “intimacy,” feeling desired, a specific intensity, “LOT’s” of sex, more kink, or sex like in the pornography I watch.
And as I hear all these ideas and wants I have come to realize almost everyone’s answer comes down to this: The quest to find your sweet spot: A combination of emotional and sexual intelligence between you and your partner. Another way I like to explain this is thinking about what I like to explore as your Core Sexual Script.
Core Sexual Script: Is what your ideas, values, you’re desires; morals and ethics are surrounding how you understand sex and relationships. Moreover, your Core Sexual Script is also a way to understand your sexual identity, emotional wants and specific needs to be communicated to your partner.
Building Your Core Sexual Script: Let’s Turn It On You
What do you focus on before, during and after sex?
Some examples of what I have heard from people’s focus…
How do I look?
How do they look?
Already wanting it over
Not wanting it at all
Needing sex instead of talking
Not comparing to what they see on the Internet
Trying to hard
Suppressing what they really want
It’s not surprising that if people say they want one thing from sex and then spend the experience over focused on that particular thing, they are going to be dissatisfied or even blocked.
Most people don’t think of this as a distraction, but it is --- probably bigger than you will ever imagine. Helping people identify what they’re actually thinking about during sex is powerful. Aiding them to understand that their thoughts are often obstacles to satisfaction is even more powerful. That is why I offering the following thoughts on how to start to develop and understand your Core Sexual Script.
Take time to remember what your experiences have been.
It’s the good, the bad and the ugly that really does develop a large part of your Core Sexual Script. It is also important at this time to have a safe, respectful person and environment to share this story. Frequently, working with a therapist can give you a non-judgmental, safe experience to unpack sexual story.
Cultivate what you physically like and dislike regarding sex.
Developing a healthy sexual intelligence starts with you and your needs. It’s important to take time to look at your likes and dislikes with your past sexual experiences, what you fantasize about as well presently; furthermore, how comfortable are you in those acts at the present time. Don’t forget your idea of a healthy sexual relation you see for your future. Take it a step at a time.
Explore how you feel around sex.
On the vast spectrum of sexuality and the sexual acts there are numerous gradients of how sex and emotions mix. Some like to consider sex separate from emotions, and some expect sex and emotion to co-exist. I want you to check in with your core sexual beliefs regarding sex and emotions. How do you differentiate the two? Do you identify them differently?
The idea of understanding and building a strong emotional and sexual intelligence starts with indulging in learning more about your sexual story and indulge in your sexual interests in your current situation.
When you invite yourself to start considering thinking about your sexuality it is important to be gentle with yourself.
The idea of a Core Sexual Script is filled with nuance and individual stories. This is why I encourage individuals and couples to find a safe and confident expert to help you identify your emotional and sexual intelligence.
Dr. Ryan Westrum is a sex positive therapist that counsels, educates and supports individuals, couples, and groups in learning about their sexual script. Please contact Dr. Ryan for a complementary consultation by calling 952-261-5269 or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.