As a sex therapist that works with clients struggling with their relationships as well as many clients dealing with a battle with porn addiction. It is vital to remember hope, and the potential not only for freedom from the darkness of porn but the opportunity to gain a intimate relationship back.
When couples dealing with a lack of intimacy due to the inflictions of pornography come into my office. The first thing I mention to them is the myths about porn and instilling hope for a new intimate trusting sex life.
So in light of our freedom and independence this 4th of July, I am offering 4 ideas to rekindle your intimacy. A healthy Sexperiment for any couple wanting to make a grand display back into their lives; and bring a new spark and most importantly gain some explosive sex back in the bedroom.
Make Consent Sexy
Consent is so sexy. It’s an extremely important topic, especially when you’re with new partners. But it’s even more important as you rebuild trust with your longtime lover. It’s always crucial to make sure that the person you’re with is enthusiastically consenting to anything and everything the two of you do between the sheets. But most men don’t realize that the process of asking for consent can actually be incredibly sexy. (No, it doesn’t need to entail busting out a stack of legal forms and asking her to sign on the dotted line.) As things are progressing, touch an item of her clothing and ask her, “can I take this off?” Try touching a part of her body with one fingertip, and asking her, “can I kiss you here?” As you’re about to have intercourse, ask her, “can I put this in you?” You’ll make each little step tantalizingly teasing. Don’t for one of the main myths of long term relationships is: sex is expected.
Take Your Time
Remember how long you wait for the fireworks! Take your time. Asking for consent is just one of the many ways you can draw out the experience. I highly recommend that you also look for other ways to tease them. Look, I get it – having sex is fun, and sometimes you just want to get right to it. But most men forget that women love to be teased. Sorry the Porn has it all wrong. A lot of my clients tell me that the teasing is actually their favorite part! So take your time with them. Take their clothes off slowly. Spend plenty of time making out with her. Dip down below the waist, then come back up. You want her to be begging for more at each step, until the point that she can’t take it any longer.
Switch Up Your Usual Routine
Most people progress through sex in the same routine – kissing, a few minutes of groping, then straight to intercourse. Again sorry Porn has it wrong! There is foreplay and exploring. This gets old really fast if you don’t try something new. Instead, surprise them by moving back and forth between different acts. Start having intercourse, then go back to playing with each other. Go back to intercourse, and then ask them to do what you want. Swapping back and forth keeps you both on your toes. Plus, there’s the added bonus of giving yourself a break if you get too close to orgasm. Again myth about healthy sexuality you don’t need to follow the Porn rules. Please don’t…
Get More Creative With Positions
The grand finale!! Be honest – you have your favorite two or three positions that you tend to fall back on, don’t you? Most of us do! But changing positions is such a fast and easy way to add more excitement. This is a great way to get back to asking what your partner needs and wants. Placing attention to your intimate partner is only going to make the fireworks that much more enjoyable!
Enjoy rebuilding trust, love and intimacy through developing healthy conversation, dialogue and asking for what you need.
Dr. Ryan Westrum is a sex therapist specializing in building healthy relationships through activities and experiences. Please contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or 952-261-5269 for a complementary consultation.