What if studying tantra could heal our addiction to Porn? What if tapping into our natural abilities to experience ecstasy changes everything? Emotional connection, Physical connection and above all else a spiritual connection that could heal many different projections people hold against not only porn, but sex as well.
See tantra is on a micro continuum within a larger continuum of sex, which has BDSM, porn, vanilla sex, and everything else that the human mind can imagine. So what would people think? Would they be offended? Talking about sex is such a no-no. My goal is to offer a space and time where people can create what they want as a sexual life potentially that which they have viewed through pornography and turn it into a healthy lifestyle exempt from shame, guilt and the darkness that sex has as a stigma.
I thought to myself, Do you realize what you’re offering people? Tantra is essentially the OPPOSITE of porn. Once I realized this, I never looked back!
Porn is a funny thing. Despite some opinions, I believe that it isn’t inherently evil. Lots of people truly enjoy watching porn, including many couples that use it together to have a new experience. Yet it is seemingly undeniable that there are some real dark sides to porn.
Besides the obvious violence and anything involving children, there are much more insidious issues:
What We Look Like Is Everything
Porn focuses on being stimulated through the body. And so we are subconsciously told that sexuality be contingent on what your body looks like. You must be young, fit, have perky breasts and a large penis, otherwise you can’t be a good lover. And paradoxically this sets up a enormous self-worth issue in everyone, particularly those who don’t see themselves as young, fit and perky. And for the ones that do, they still quite often don’t see themselves as perky or big enough. Ultimately, no one leaves happy with themselves.
It’s All About Successfully Pleasuring The Other
Porn focuses on pleasing the other. Now obviously there is some part of us deep down that knows that the desire to please our partner is actually a wonderful thing. But that isn’t usually how it comes across in porn. It comes across as the only thing that is important. That bringing the other person to orgasm is the only goal. And what’s wrong with that you ask? Well it is the message that our unconscious receives, that this is the only goal of lovemaking. That if you can’t bring your partner to orgasm, then there is no point making love. We end up with things like performance anxiety on both the giver and the receiver side.
Connection & Intimacy Aren’t Important
Porn has nothing to do with connection. It is simply a series of physical events that two people do together. There is no connection or intimacy. And this isn’t always bad, sometimes a round of rockin’ porn sex can be fun, but again it sends programming to our subconscious that this is what sex is about. That the connection doesn’t matter and it’s just about getting off is the goal to sex.
This Is All We Are Capable Of
The worst part of it is that porn makes us believe that this is all that there is. We think that we know what sex is all about and that porn just plays the edge of it, which is what is so titillating. But it isn’t true.
I see clients come to me and say they need the physical release, or I am afraid to ask what I want. When the truth is that the sex would be transformational if we can drop our metaphorical security blanket (porn) and be vulnerable to the need of connection on an intrapersonal (within oneself), interpersonal (connection with another) and a transpersonal (God like, universal or spiritual connection).
THE TRUTH IS that we as humans are using maybe 5% of our sexual abilities if one assumes porn sex is real sex. We forget the emotional connection. Possibly shielding us from past trauma, rejection or a need to escape. I am pulling a number out of the air but as you watch porn it really is just 5% of what sex can be with an edgier and more aggressive direction. We are all able to connect with the other 95% of sex. And it is possible for anyone willing to try it. The answer tantra, or for those phobic of the new age spiritual thing, I will call it the profound emotional intimacy. Yes, many people are scared of emotions, yet if you want great sex that blows your mind. It is highly encouraged to super charge your idea of sex with emotions. Ultimately, extinguishing your desire for porn.
So how does tantra change all this?
We Are So Much More Than Our Physical Bodies
The sexiest part of us isn’t our physicality. A truly sensual person has a presence about them that is absolutely captivating and enthralling. They can look at you and gently touch you in a way that will leave you spellbound. Imagine breathing deeply connecting with your partner with simply a gaze. Starting to rhythmically, emotionally and energically connecting. They will bring you into their inner quiet where you will breathe and touch each other sending chills and orgasms throughout your bodies. What their body looks like is quite irrelevant.
Pleasuring Is Greater When It Is Mutual
We are energetic beings as well as physical. When we are touching our partner, if we are really present and enjoying the feel of our partner’s skin, they will sense this. Your touch will be different than if you are just doing it in order to please them. When you are truly in the moment, there is electricity that comes out your fingers (or other sexy parts) that permeates your partner’s entire body. As your partner’s body responds to this, this pleasure cycles back to you, and the giver and the receiver roles start to become blurred. There is just simply pleasure being shared regardless of who is doing what.
Connection Is Everything: Making the ordinary extraordinary
We are intended to connect with each other on a very profound level. Human beings do not do well deprived of feeling deep relationship. We call it “neediness” and “being desperate” when someone is feeling disengaged. But it’s really just because deep down we know that we are capable of extraordinary connection. And when we feel this amazing connection, things in our lives just get better. Depression lifts. We don’t feel as anxious. We notice the joys in life. We appreciate each other. We feel a level of content and happiness that we just don’t experience when we are all alone.
In tantra, this connection comes first. This is the foundation of all the sexual play. It’s like you first have to “plug in” to each other before the energy can flow. And so there is real intention to drop our guards and allow each other inside to truly connect and experience each other.
Sex Is Meant To Be A Multi-Dimensional Experience
When we actually bring in everything that we truly are into our intimate experiences, we go from having simply physical sex to having an experience involving our minds, emotions, feelings, intuition, passion, presence, plus a pile of dimensions that you can’t even explain, they just happen.
And the most amazing thing is that it doesn’t take any tricks. It doesn’t take a pile of methods or fancy sexual abilities. I love working with BDSM and yet with tantra you do not need to tie rope. It is actually incredibly natural and programmed into us; we just haven’t accessed it.
So Will Tantra Rid The World Of Porn?
I don’t think so. We love sex. Our sexual desire makes us feel alive. And truthfully, watching other people have sex can be very titillating. Tantra heals our REAL relationships with REAL people. Learning how to actually be intimate with others allows us to have incredibly satisfying relationships with the people around us. We feel deeper connections and our intimate experiences actually heal us and make us feel wonderful about ourselves!
So porn won’t go away, but for many, the addiction can fade, because once you start experiencing the opposite side, your true potential, true intimacy and the sexual experiences that we are designed to have, the porn can’t own you. It just doesn’t come close to comparing to the experiences of having a physical and emotional connection you have.
Dr. Ryan Westrum is a Sex Therapist that specializes in Pornography Addiction. Find more information at www.healingsoulsllc.com, or by calling 952-261-5269.