This weekend’s sexperiment is to understand the world of fantasy. Occasionally sharing your fantasies is as easy as, “hey, I’m into this or that. Want to do it with me?” But not all of us have that level of comfort with our desires. Here’s how to feel more at ease exposing your fantasies as well as know if you are ready or if you should share your fantasies.
Get Comfortable with Those Fantasies First
I really caution people to dive right into sharing your most intimate fantasy with your partner. It’s really hard to ask someone to do something with you in bed if you don’t feel fully comfortable with what you’re asking for. Just like the old, “you have to love yourself first before you can let someone else love you” motto, you have to honor your fantasies if you want someone to else to treat them with respect!
Part of having a healthy adult sex life is taking the time to explore our desires and learn what turns us on, without judgment. Think through your fantasies on your own Carl Jung called it Active Imagination. Take some time to get into your body and understand what you really are wanting. Try to get a sense of what lights your fire. It might be helpful for you to differentiate between your fantasies and your desires. Fantasies are the things you think about that turn you on. Desires are the things you actually want to happen. You might fantasize about having sex in public, but not actually ever want to do it. Sometimes making that differentiation can make it easier to acknowledge what turns us on. Furthermore, when you bring someone into your fantasy it can also bring a great deal of anxiety and worry. Just like when you read a book and then watch the movie. Sometimes they don’t translate.
From there, try simply saying out loud what you’re interested in. It’s not like you need to nail down every exact detail, but try something simple like “I like being dominated” or “I want you to do this… Echo it until you start to feel more comfortable with the words. Keeping in mind its still being played out within you. Give yourself permission to have your fantasies and desires. All of us have been told to be ashamed of our sexualities in one way or another, so this can be a challenging step for some people. Just try saying to yourself, “I give myself permission or I’m considering this for something to be into.”
These steps may sound a little silly at first, but they make a huge difference in your relationship with your sexuality, and in your ability to advocate for your own desires. The way you relate to your fantasies will define how your partner will respond to them. If you turn beet red and stammer your way through asking for a desire, your partner is going to feel your discomfort, and they’ll be less likely to go along with your request. But if you’re able to ask confidently and clearly, your partner will instantly feel more at ease. Remember I really believe that this translates into healthy communication outside the bedroom too!
Don’t Overanalyze Your Fantasies
The very word “fantasy” makes a lot of people nervous, so they wind up making their fantasies seem like a bigger deal than they really are. A fantasy is just something that turns you on in your mind. Sure, you can have a detailed dungeon torture fantasy, but you can also have a fantasy as simple as “I want to have sex with the lights on.” You can also be unsure about your fantasies.
You also don’t need to try to make sense of why you have a particular fantasy or what it “says about you” that some particular thing turns you on. Remember, fantasies don’t always overlap with desires. But even if you do want to try out a fantasy in real life, there’s still no need to judge it.
Sometimes there are clear reasons why we have specific fantasies. I look at this in another conversation around Core Sexual Scripts CSS are sexual fantasy and desires that you don’t know where they come from at all. You might be able to identify that you’re into the dynamic of letting go of control since you have so much control over every other aspect of your life. Sometimes we have a fantasy specifically because it’s so different from how we would allow ourselves to act in the real world. But not every fantasy has a